How To Develop Confidence, Self Esteem, & Healthy Relationships w/ Justin Stenstrom
This week we are joined by Justin Stenstrom, a nationally acclaimed life coach, author, entrepreneur, and speaker. Justin is the founder of EliteManMagazine.com, host of the Elite Man Podcast, and the author of the book Giving Shy Guys Game. Justin’s mission is to empower modern men to be their absolute best selves – a mission which we share – though the episode has appeal to both men AND women.
Throughout this episode, we talk about confidence, self esteem, fear, relationships, and much, much more. You’ll clearly see that years of interviewing, writing, reading, and learning has turned Justin into a jack of all trades when it comes to personal development, and so what’s really nice about this episode is that it hits the high notes of a TON of different areas of life. I think you’ll really going to enjoy it and learn a lot!
In this episode, we discuss:
- How Justin Stenstrom went from depression and anxiety to becoming a self-help expert
- What were the factors behind Justin's depression?
- The step-by-step process that Justin Stenstrom used to overcome anxiety and depression
- What's Justin's “superpower?”
- How can you build confidence and self esteem in an authentic, balanced way?
- Where does fear fit into the picture, and how exactly can you overcome it?
- What are the most critical things that hold people back from being their best selves?
- Making life whatever you want it to be – regardless of social norms
- What are the 10 signs of a healthy relationship?
- What's the absolute biggest challenge in a healthy relationship?
- What skills, routines, or habits does Justin Stenstrom do regularly to improve his performance?
- The biggest challenge Justin is facing right now, and how he's planning to overcome it
- What is the #1 biggest takeaway Justin Stenstrom would like you to remember from this episode?
Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
- Adam Lyons (Pick up artist)
- The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss
- The Justin Stenstrom Show, Justin's new podcast
Favorite Quotes from Justin Stenstrom:
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Hey there, SuperFriends and welcome to this week's show. You guys today, we are joined by Justin Stenstrom. A nationally acclaimed life coach, author, entrepreneur, and speaker. Now Justin is the founder of Elite Man Magazine and the host of the Elite Man Podcast. He's also the author of the book Giving Shy Guys Game. But Justin's mission overall is to empower modern men, to be their absolute best selves.
Definitely a mission, which I share though, I have to say this episode has a ton of appeal for both men and women. Now, throughout the episode, guys, we will talk about confidence. We talked about self-esteem, fear, relationships, and so much more. And I think you guys will clearly see that after so many years of interviewing people and writing and reading and learning just about everything he possibly can about the topic.
Justin has really become a Jack of all trades when it comes to personal development. And so I think what's really nice about this episode is that it really hits the high notes of a ton of different areas of life. Ultimately, I think you guys are really going to enjoy it and learn a lot and maybe get a dose of inspiration.
So let us know on Twitter or by email, if you do enjoy the episode. So without any further ado, guys, I want to present to you. My new SuperFriend, Mr. Justin Stenstrom.
Justin Stenstrom, welcome to the show, my friend, how are you doing today?
Justin Stenstrom: Jonathan, thanks so much for having me, man. I am pumped to be here.
Jonathan Levi: It is an absolute pleasure. An absolute pleasure. I'm literally looking forward to getting some elite man tips. I'm really a big fan of all things, modern gentlemen. So I'm, I'm hoping that we're going to share some really cool stuff with the audience today.
Justin Stenstrom: Awesome brother. Me too. I'm excited.
Jonathan Levi: Yeah. So Justin, tell us a little bit about your background and story. I mean, how did you get into this whole self-improvement space?
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah. So it started for me, my whole self-help journey started back probably eight years ago. I was going through a really tough time with, uh, anxiety, depression.
I had really low confidence self-esteem issues, um, troubles getting dates, and I really didn't have any friends. And it was just a really tough period of time. And it took me a while sort of long story short. It took me a while to figure things out, but there were a combination of researching and just, yeah.
Trial interrelation and testing everything out. I'm like all these things, concepts I was studying. And as far as like trying to figure my life out, I slowly started to get over these problems and figure stuff out. And then flash forward a couple of years after that I started helping other people get over their problems.
And it kind of started with like the dating thing, like the dating confidence. So, uh, I initially launched my first sort of blog was about dating and confidence. I was about 21 years old and then slowly from there, it just kind of, you know, offshoot it, and I started covering other topics, health, fitness, some business advice.
And then, you know, that's kind of where we are today with like covering everything under the sun is as far as, you know, becoming like an elite man goes.
Jonathan Levi: Amazing. So talk to me a little bit about the depression. I mean, what was happening there? Why was that an issue for you?
Justin Stenstrom: I think it just kind of culminated of years building up of having like no social life and no friends.
And I was kind of like the cool kid in grade school, middle school up until about eighth grade or so I was one of the cool kids. And then, you know, you're a sort of a big fish in a small pond, and then you go into high school and it's like the whole different ball game. And I kind of just got lost in the transition and, you know, lost a lot of my friends and sort of went down the wrong path, started hanging out with some kids that.
Oh, you know, weren't really my friends, but I kind of wanted to fit in with them. And I realized later on that they really weren't my friends and they were kind of, you know, bad for me. And then just really didn't care about me and kind of, you know, 17, 18 years old, like senior year high school, junior year of high school, I started like really feeling like I was just an outcast and I didn't belong.
I wasn't connected to people. And like I said, I didn't have any dating life. I didn't, I didn't kiss the girls. I was about 18 years old. Well, I didn't go to any of those dates, like prom dates and all that. So I didn't have any of that. I didn't go to the parties, which is like something that's really popular at that period of time in your life.
And so I think it just kind of built up over time where I was just like really depressed. And then on top of that, I was getting these panic attacks three to four times a week about like random things that would just trigger it. Like, I was just always worried, always thinking like, you know, I don't have anything and it, it got so bad.
At one point I was suicidal because I didn't have anything, I didn't feel like, you know, the things are going to get better. So at that point, it was really the point where I'd kind of decided that I had to make a change or else something bad was going to happen.
Jonathan Levi: Wow. Okay. And so for you, it was just an, I think, honestly, you and I share this for you.
It was a matter of learning that kind of pivotal moment that, Hey, you know, if I don't like these things about myself, I can change them. So walk us through a little bit. How you developed yourself into someone that you could be proud of being, I mean, how did you overcome that challenge?
Justin Stenstrom: The first thing I think I did was get a hold of those panic attacks.
So like really stopping them sort of from taking over my life because anyone who's ever had a panic attack knows just how crippling it can be. So the first thing I think was just kind of getting my mind clear of all these crazy thoughts that were happening all the time. Can you sort of crippling fears about what was going to happen to me, where I was going, or even like suicidal thoughts that were creeping into my mind all the time.
So I had to really get ahold of that before I could sort of tackle anything else, like the dating problems or my confidence problems, or even my like overall happiness. And so the first thing was really figuring that out and I kinda honed in on this little process. That I can certainly share if you'd like, but it's a number of different things, but it's kind of the biggest couple of things out of it is just living in the present moment.
And then also, if you're about to get a panic attack doing this little process, this quick little three-step process, that just kind of stops the panic attack and its tracks. Right. And when you can kind of stop it in its tracks, you don't have to keep worrying about it because anyone who knows this, it's like kind of a vicious cycle of worrying.
And then it kind of triggers more panic and more fear and more anxiety. But if you can kind of figure out how to stop it and keep it from taking over your life, it's very empowering at that point.
Jonathan Levi: Incredible. Okay. So I want to get into that process in a little bit. First. I wanted to ask you though. I mean, what today, obviously you're pretty confident guy.
What would you say is today your superpower?
Justin Stenstrom: I think today my superpower is probably my persistence. Like anyone. I mean, you know, this Jonathan probably better than anybody, how tough it is to be an entrepreneur and someone, or even a solopreneur, like you're working by yourself, especially when you, when you start off at first and it's just like, you have to knock on so many doors before you start getting, you know, those entrances into different places are getting those connections or getting those relationships that you need to be successful.
I think anyone who doesn't have that superpower of being persistent and keep trying over and over again is going to fail and being an entrepreneur. So right now I've been successful so far.
Up until this point because of the persistence I have. And I just keep knocking on doors and making relationships and making connections. And even though I fall sometimes, or I don't quite reach my goals that I have, I never give up. And I just kind of always look forward to sort of the challenge and overcoming that challenge.
Jonathan Levi: That's a solid superpower.
Justin Stenstrom: Thanks, man.
Jonathan Levi: Justin, I want to ask you, I mean, I know a lot of what you share with your audience involves different ways of building confidence. And I have to say that's a topic that's really near and dear to my heart because I've had my own struggles in the past with insecurity and then kind of on the other end, becoming an egomaniac out of that insecurity and just my journey to finding this harmonious balance.
So talk to me about. This whole idea of like, how do you build confidence in an authentic and empathic way?
Justin Stenstrom: So I have a little process to that. I teach I work with students and clients who want confidence and I have a process I teach over and over again. That's really applicable sort of across the board in any field.
And if you want, we can go over that as well. So the main thing, I guess, to really start with confidence, and I think this kind of starts with anything is to realize that you have confidence. In your life, like I've never met a single person who does have confidence already in some aspect of their life. A lot of people don't realize it, but they have confidence in different areas.
Like for instance, I like to use this example a lot for someone who wants like social competence or a picture, like a sort of nerdy, sort of video game playing kid, or a guy who just kind of stays at home and plays video games. No, he doesn't have confidence to go out and say, talk to women or, you know, be a good social person and kind of be the center of attention when he's out in public.
But in this guy may think he's not a confident person, but the reality is you take that guy in and you, you know, you, you put them in the situation where he's around his environment or he's around say a couple other sort of geeky, nerdy and not picking on nerdy people at home. Cause I love these kind of nerdy guys and yeah.
You know, sort of a self-described, you know, video game fanatics and stuff. Cause I work with these guys all the time and they're great, but you know, take this guy and you put them with another sort of nerdy video game guy, and you know, you put them in the same room together. They're going to be confident.
They're going to be talking about the video game. They're going to be talking about, you know, all the aspects of the game and you know, what's good about it was not good about it. You know, maybe even talking some crap to each other and you know, making jokes and making fun of each other. Those guys have confidence in that situation, in that environment, because that's what they're familiar with.
That's what they know now. Again, you put those guys in a social sort of aspect and put some other people in a different environment. They're not going to have confidence, but if they think back to the confidence they have, where they do have it in that video game room, you know, they can sort of then transpose that into the social world.
They can start to think about how do I act when I'm in the other world, in the other environment now, how do I bring that forth in this new environment? And I think it's important to realize, I think that's really the first step because everybody has confidence. Everyone has it within them to be confident in any situation.
It's just a matter of bringing that forth.
Jonathan Levi: Interesting. Okay. I really do like that. You know, I have to say, I definitely think there's a right way and a wrong way to develop confidence. And like I said before, I've definitely tried both. I think the wrong way is to develop it based on ego and be like, well, I've done this and I have this and probably the right way is improving yourself and connecting and kind of ultimately accepting and loving yourself.
And I saw a little bit of that. In what you said, I mean, has that been your experience with the people you've worked with that? It's, it's more about like, it almost sounded like you were saying find the things that you are good at and learn to appreciate that in yourself.
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah, absolutely. It definitely works in that way.
And a lot, like I said, a lot of these guys, I work with a lot of these people that have like a similar sort of background is that as what I mentioned, and it's really about finding what you're already good at, what you're already comfortable at, what you already have confidence at. And then bringing that about like appreciating that side of you and understanding it and sort of accepting it fully, and then you can sort of transition it into other places.
I think it's really as simple as just kind of understanding it and then being okay with it and then learning to summon it back up.
Jonathan Levi: All right. So I really liked that. I really think there's something there. And I think like if anyone out there is listening and has struggled with self-esteem, I think there's a lot of value there.
And just this idea of like, You know, there is also, you said a lot of really interesting stuff that connected with me about being present and being present in the moment and that connects really closely with this idea of acceptance. So I think there's a few components here that really also were critical in my journey, right.
This idea of being present in the moment, this idea of being accepting and accepting your surroundings. And then I think there's also just this component of like, self-love. That I think is so kind of under-emphasized because it's become so cliche, right.
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah, absolutely. And I just kinda thought of the guy, you know, Adam Lyons used to be a former, um, dating coach and he was, uh, like a Dungeons and Dragons guy, like a, you know, a self-proclaimed video game nerd too.
And it's not about sort of suppressing those things or maybe being uncomfortable with like, being that kind of person, like, you know, here's this guy who was a Dungeons and Dragons nerd, and then, you know, learn some of this stuff that we're talking about here. Learn how to be confident, learn how to talk to a woman, learn how to be social.
And, uh, he ended up being like one of the most successful dating coaches in the UK and then later in America, but he never like, sort of gave up his sort of identity of who he was and the fact that he loved video games and Dungeons and dragons and all that stuff, he just kind of embraced it and was like fully like, yeah, I'm a video game nerd.
Yeah. I'm a Dungeon Dragon guy and that's kind of my personality. That's kind of what makes me up, you know, who I am. And he took that and kind of made it cool. Like it was almost like cool to be like a Dungeon Dragon game nerd after that cause you know, he just embraced it fully.
Jonathan Levi: Well, you know, what's cool is like accepting yourself and being just completely unembarrassed.
I mean, if you think about the most confident people, the most attractive people, the most charismatic people, they're the people who are like really just don't care. Right. And not in like a cold, well, I don't care what you think kind of way. And like, hey, this is me. Like accept me or don't accept me. I think there's so much confidence in that, that it literally makes people more attractive. I mean, it just changes the whole way people perceive you. If you stop worrying about the way they perceive you.
Justin Stenstrom: totally agree, man. Absolutely.
Jonathan Levi: Amazing. So how about fear? Because I know you do a lot of really interesting work on fear. Where does that fit into the picture?
Justin Stenstrom: Fear fits into the picture. I mean, it kind of goes right along with confidence and, you know, even the depression that we mentioned earlier, but it's really about embracing it a lot of the time and then being okay with it before you can get over it. Um, so. I like to use this analogy too, if you don't mind, I'll, I'll share a little story about how to overcome.
I think that probably the most important way to overcome like your biggest fears. So rewind, I guess a few years ago to when I'm going through this transition, I was probably 19 or 20 at the time. And I'm hanging out with this buddy of mine. He's an incredible Daredevil sort of adrenaline junkie this guy's like a skydiver.
It goes on all the rollercoasters and just the craziest stuff you could imagine. And yeah, I ended up being like friends with them, sort of you know, by coincidence or whatever, uh, by happenstance just ended up being great friends with this guy. And then later became best friends with them, but we ended up going to six flags, theme, park, rollercoasters, and all that stuff.
We ended up going there one day hanging out. And, uh, I told him over and over again, like for my entire life, I've hated roller coasters. I told them over and over again before we go in there like I'm not going to ride on any roller coasters. I just kind of want to go there, hang out, you know, maybe talk to some girls and stuff, walk around and, you know, he says, yeah, yeah, whatever.
And besides being a Daredevil. Complete adrenaline junkie is also an incredible salesman, like a persuasive guy. Like he is incredible at getting people to do things that they don't want to do so long story short, fast forward, about 20, 30 minutes later, I find myself sitting next to this guy in the worst roller coaster.
They're like the bizarro one. And I'm like, what the heck am I doing here? This is horrible. And. We're about to take off for the ride. And I look over at him and he's putting his hands up, yelling, saying ridiculous things, just like being a complete fool. And I look over at him like, you know, Bobby, what are you doing, man?
Like, we're about to die. And in like a couple minutes, like at least, you know, have some dignity, at least calm down and just like, relax before you, you know, do these do me that you convinced me to get on here. We're going to die. At least stop acting like a fool man. Like you're embarrassing me. And then he kind of looks over and I think he didn't mean it to be like profound or anything, but he just like looks over at me and he's like, Justin, like, this is how you ride roller coasters, dude, you have to do this.
And I'm like, you know, I don't know if it was because I was sort of going through a self-help transformational kind of period in my life. And I had just overcome like this depression and stuff, and that was feeling a little bold, but. I ended up doing what he told me to. And I was like, you know what, I'm going to try it.
So, you know, a couple of seconds later I started yelling and screaming, putting my hands up. Then we take off going up the thing, I mean the steep sort of a drop right before we go through the job, it's like that slow creep up. And it's just like that usually a terrifying feeling. But instead of that, I'm like yelling and like, we're going to die, you know, just saying all these ridiculous things, but like yelling and screaming and like.
Actually like loving it for some reason, then, you know, we go down that steep drop that first like hundred, 200-foot drop, whatever it is going to like 70 or 80 miles an hour. And I put my hands up, I started yelling with Bobby and we're both screaming and yelling, just like dumb things. And for the first time in my life, Jonathan.
I actually enjoyed a rollercoaster. Like I actually fully embrace that moment and loved it. I love the ride. And any other time before that, I would have been throwing up sick and hating it and wouldn't have gone on any other roller coaster. But for the rest of that day, I went on like every roller coaster, four or five times, and just had a blast doing it.
So the moral of the story. It's really just as simple as this, it's just embracing your fears fully, like 100% taking them on and going with them. And then when you do that, you have nothing to fear, but fear itself, as FDR said, and it's a hundred percent true. Anybody can try this for anyone who doesn't like roller coaster, you can try this next time, face your fears, fully, embrace it, scream, put your hands up, yell.
And you're going to notice that the fear actually not only goes away, but you actually enjoy it.
Jonathan Levi: That's really interesting. I mean, it kind of reminded me a little bit of the exercise that Tim Ferriss talks about in 4-Hour Workweek of like, just imagine like what you're afraid of the worst thing.
Okay. I lose my job, then what happens? Okay. I lose my apartment. You just go to what's the worst, the worst, the worst, the worst, the worst. And eventually, you get to like, I'm destitute living under a bridge, you know, begging for coins, right? And then you're like, all right. And then what? Well, I, I guess I'd like, I'd rebuild, I'd save up coins, I'd recycle, you know, I'd figure out away.
And then you're like, Oh, all right. Like that's what I was so worried about. Like having a one-year setback in my life. And ultimately like once you get in deep and like dig around in that reality, it's never as bad as you could possibly imagine. I guess that's sort of what you experienced with the rollercoaster.
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah. Yeah. That's a great point. I love Tim Ferris too. So I'm glad you brought that up, but yeah, it's just like, you actually think about what's happening and everyone feels like, you know, what's the funniest thing is, is the scariest part is, is of the fears, not actually the fear itself, like, you know, the kind of the quote says too, but it's actually the sort of the fearing of the fear, like worrying about what's going to happen.
Like what's going to happen. Like you said like Tim said is never as bad as what you actually think it is. Or for instance, for people getting panic attacks, it's never actually the thoughts of what's happening about why you're getting the panic attacks.
It's actually the fear of getting the panic attack itself. That's like scary. And I think if you really kind of get to wrap your brain around. That and kind of understand that it's really not as bad as you think it is. You can then get over it at that point.
Jonathan Levi: I love it. I love it. Its kind of like the bark is always worse than the bite.
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah, exactly.
Jonathan Levi: So, Justin, what is your experience are really kind of the most critical things, holding people back from really becoming their best selves? I mean, of course. We've done something like 90 episodes here. So I've got some opinions, but I'm really curious because you do your own show. You've interviewed some of the top experts as well.
What do you think is holding people back out there?
Justin Stenstrom: I think people are being held back again by the fear of sort of stepping out of the norm of, of stuff. So it goes back to what we just said, as far as like, what's going to happen. Like, you know, what happens if this happens or, you know, 10 steps down the road, they're always projecting themselves into the future and sort of coming up with these false ideas of different fears that can come to reality.
And I think at the end of the day, it holds people back from living the life they want to live. Like for instance, people get stuck in like a 9-5 job that they don't love, but you know, it pays the rent or pays the mortgage or pays, you know, this or that. And it's like, well, I can't quit this job.
I can't go after my passion. It might take two, three years to make money out of that. Or, you know, maybe I'll never make money from that. Or maybe, you know, people will say I'm crazy. Or maybe, you know, people at work will think. You know, I'm, I'm losing my mind and I can't do that. It's like, Oh, it's not for me.
Or it's not really a reality. You know, I read the 4-Hour Workweek, but I don't really think it's, you know, for everybody. Right? So there, they project themselves into the future and they want to stick with the norm of society and what everyone else says or what their friends think is a good idea and not what they think is a good idea.
Well, not what they really want. I think it really holds people back from finding true happiness.
Jonathan Levi: I love that. And, you know, I think in that is something that I always often say as well, which is so many people view life as kind of a prefixed menu. And they don't realize that lifestyle, a card. Like you can take pieces, you can leave pieces, you can leave your job.
You don't actually have to have a day job to have a very happy and successful life. And you don't have to have all these components. It's really just a matter of reshifting the way you look at life and the way you look at so-called limitations or boundaries.
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah. And man, I like to just kind of add on that too.
It's like you have an open book of stories that you write and into your own book and those stories haven't been written. That book hasn't been written yet, but a lot of people, I feel like have the mindset, like it has already been written. Like they have their life already planned out for the next 40, 50 years and they already know what they have to do, or it's already told to them what they have to do, but it's like that book is completely empty.
You can put into that. Anything you want to put into it.
Jonathan Levi: Absolutely. So Justin, tell me this or your publisher suggested actually that I asked you about some of the signs of a healthy relationship. I thought that was really interesting because recently on the podcast I had Alex Charfen turn the mic back on me and just like completely dig into my love life or lack thereof.
So I thought it was okay. Kind of a really interesting topic and our audience really responded super well to that idea. So talk to me about the 10 signs of a healthy relationship.
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah, absolutely. Man, I'm glad you brought that up. Um, typically I don't really share as much of this, so I'm kind of happy. I get to kind of talk about this.
Um, I happen to be in a happy relationship myself too. So a lot of these things I wrote this article actually a while back, a similar article about it. While back that got featured in, um, life hack. So it's pretty cool, like kind of reflecting on your own relationship and then getting to like, write about it.
So a lot of these things are applicable to my relationship, but also anyone thinking, like if they're in a relationship or in a healthy relationship that kind of, you know, that they think might be right for them, or if they're questioning, whether it's right for them, they really should really consider if these sort of steps apply.
So if you want, I can just kind of go right through the list.
Jonathan Levi: Yeah, let's do it.
Justin Stenstrom: All right. So number one is you have little to no arguments. So this obviously see every relationship has arguments. There's bickering, there's a little back and forth. There's, you know, arguing about what you want to eat for dinner or what's on TV. You know what channel to put on these little things like that, that happens in every single relationship every single day.
But the arguments I'm talking about here, like the major arguments that, you know, fighting for hours at a time or about something serious or not talking thereafter for a few days, like those types of arguments, if you're having little to none of those, it's a really good size. That's number one.
Number two is your arguments are productive. So the, the times that you do have arguments at times that you do fight and have like those serious arguments where it is going on for hours, or you do kind of have that little break period or whatever, where you might not be talking or, you know, happy for a couple of days at the end of those major arguments, you actually are productive.
Like you figure out something major in your relationship, you figure out some kind of struggle that you guys are going through that you kind of overcome after the argument. So the times that you do have them, they're productive, they're not just useless kind of wasted arguments or wasted time that you guys go through. That's number two.
Number three is you trust each other completely. So when you have trust in a relationship, I mean, that's kind of the ultimate goal is to really just know that your partner isn't going to do anything to sort of disrespect you or offend you, any of those types of things, you can trust them wherever they go out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.
But, uh, you know, that, you know, at the end of the day, they love you and they're going to be there for you and not do anything to disrespect you.
Number four is you feel good about your future together. So all the time, people in relationships don't really have a good understanding about where they're going in the future, or maybe they, they feel like there is no future or that the future is kind of blurry.
You don't know what's going to happen. Uh, you don't feel good about sort of you two being together there. That's not good. If you feel any of those things, you really have to kind of reconsider. If there is sort of a future between you guys. And if you're in that relationship, you want to be in, if you do think, you know, you guys have a great future together and that things are going to be good going forward, then that's a great sign and I'm definitely a sign you guys are in a healthy relationship.
So number five is you have no regrets about being with your partner. And your desires for in this case, other women or other men are not sort of present anymore. Like you always going to find other women attractive or other men attractive when you go out and, you know, that's just kinda naive to think that'll go away once you're in a relationship.
I mean, you're going to get sort of, um, blind eyes to anyone else, but that's not what I'm talking about. You're always going to be attracted as a human being to the opposite sex or to the sex that you're attracted to, but you have no desire to be with that person, or you have no desire to want to, um, sort of cheat on your partner like that has to go away. I think when you're in a healthy relationship.
Jonathan, number six, and just feel free to kind of cut me off at any time. Just know this is fascinating. All right. Cool. Number six is you have great communication. This is always an, I talk to a lot of relationship experts, marriage experts, matchmakers have come on my show before so. This is always like the number one thing, as far as relationships go, and always the biggest sort of trouble that relationships face is communication.
You have to have great communication to have a successful relationship. And this means talking about everything that you want to talk like you feel you have to bring up in a relationship.
A lot of relationships come to an end because a lot of the time, one person or the other, both. Are holding something in like holding in, you know, a slight that they had from the past or holding in something that they didn't want to bring out to cause a fight. You know, these things build up over time.
They nag, they sort of snowball effect and sort of stay with people. So bringing them out and talking about things, getting them out in the open, and then getting over them, more importantly, is so important here. It's it's imperative that you do this thing and not hold stuff in. So great communication about everything across the board is number six.
Number seven, you think in terms of we and not, I, when you have a partner when you're in a relationship, it then becomes, we, it's not just, you know, what you want, or it's not what your partner wants all the time. It's what we want, what we want together, doing things together, making sure that we're both happy in our relationship together.
Now, sometimes it's, you know, you decide where you want to go on the date or they decide what they want to eat. That's great. That's fine. But overall it has to be in terms of, we has to be thinking that both of you are together and in a relationship and not just what you want.
So number eight is you completely respect your partner in every way.
Again, this is kind of going back to what we talked about before a couple of steps ago, but this is really, you just know that you can't disrespect your partner. You don't, even, if you think like you're doing something that may be considered disrespectful or, you know, maybe crossing line, you stay away from doing that.
Like, you don't want to put up any signs or, you know, any sort of reason why your partner might get upset or disrespected. And, and it really just comes down to appreciating that partner and appreciating that person as a, as a human being. And yeah, having the utmost respect for them, like putting them above everyone else in terms of sort of like who you respect most.
Like you can respect great people, like say, you know, Tim Ferriss or something, or, you know, your parents, like that's kind of a different respect, but having a respect for your partner, I think is, is sort of the utmost respect for any person.
I think you should kind of carry that, you know, in everything you do, like always having that in the back of your mind that you have to respect your, your partner.
Number nine is you can't wait to see them. If you're the person who is always excited to see your partner, always excited or eager to get home and give your girlfriend a hug, give your boyfriend a hug and say you missed them.
And you know, you do actually miss them when you're away from them for whatever period of time, like, and you don't have to miss them all the time. But if you do miss them, That's actually a great sign that you're in a healthy relationship. It's a great sign that you're happy with the person you're with.
If you never miss them, if you don't feel like we want to see them, or if you're miserable, seeing them, it's kind of a big red flag that you may have to sort of figure out if you want to be in that relationship or maybe move on because you're probably not happy.
Number 10, the final step is you truly love them.
You love everything about them. Not necessarily like. You know, you love all the things that you hate about them. Not necessarily like you have to love everything, but you love even the things that you hate about them. And you don't like about them. Like the little sort of idiosyncrasies or things that annoy you, maybe like they don't put the seat down or maybe they don't like the counter or things like that.
Like as much as those things might annoy you a bug you at the end of the day, you love them as a person. You love them entirely as a person, even with their flaws. And, uh, you know, you couldn't see yourself with anybody else. That's the final step.
Jonathan Levi: All right. That's a solid list. And this is a list that you've just kind of come up with over the years of kind of experimentation.
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah, just sort of a list. I've come up with that. Yeah. Talking with a lot of these, uh, relationship experts, dating experts, and psychologists, even if come on the show and really putting thought into my own relationship and kind of thinking about what I want. And I was single for many years kind of dating and, you know, a couple of years ago I just started dating this great woman and, you know, reflecting on what I liked and, you know, kind of my happiness and being in a relationship.
Jonathan Levi: All right. So that's really awesome. I feel like there's not too much more to even really dig into that because that list seems really super comprehensive. So, and we'll obviously link to that blog post. I'm sure there's a lot more there if people want to kind of read more about that.
Justin Stenstrom: Cool, man. I appreciate it.
Jonathan Levi: Incredible. So Justin, let me switch gears completely and ask. Back on kind of the self-improvement routine. And just a question that we really like to ask in general, do you have any skills or habits or routines that you do regularly that you feel make you perform at a higher level?
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah, I think I'd have to say the sort of best routine.
I mean, there's a couple of different things I could probably mention here, but I think the number one routine that I continuously do is set the bar super high. Like I have super expectations for what I want to achieve. Yeah. I don't like write these goals out necessarily all the time. I mean, I use a notebook and I write things out.
All the time, like ideas and stuff, but I don't necessarily write these goals out, but I have these incredible goals that I set for myself that seem unattainable things that I want to do. Like I'll put up a deadline of something for, you know, the Elite Man Magazine or something, and it'll seem unattainable.
So a lot of people, or even friends or colleagues that I work with, like, Oh, why are you doing that? It kind of seems like, you know, maybe a little early, or maybe you should wait a couple of months afterward or, I mean, you really think you're going to do that by then. Like-kind of like these goals that are tough to meet, but I set these goals all the time.
To push myself sort of in as close to is getting to that goal as possible. For instance, the Elite Man Conference I had this past August was my first ever like major conference and I had 30 expert speakers come and it was about 70, 80 people each day in attendance. And I'd set. This is the goal of doing this.
I mean, I always want to have a conference, but I set the goal of doing it. And I only gave myself a few months to sort of set up and we'd be like three or four months to set it up. And I'd never done a major conference like this. Now people are flying in from like all over the country and even all over the world.
We have people from like the UK and in Asia, even coming to this country, I mean, to the conference. And it seemed at first like it was going to be such an unbelievable hurdle and it actually turned out to be a lot of work. That I kind of didn't even expect, but the fact that I ended up sort of achieving this goal and putting it all together was just so incredible for me personally.
And even like the people like the speakers and staff who came were like, wow, this was great. You know, didn't think you were going to do it. You know, it was kind of shocked. They actually pulled it off, but I was just so happy, and doing things like that just kind of keeps pushing me to, to greater and greater heights.
And I think it's a sort of a double-edged sword where it's like, I'm always sort of dissatisfied with where I'm at right now, which motivates me to do more. But also, like I know that I'm kind of like going back and forth with like being happy with kind of what I have and being grateful as well. So it's sort of like something I deal with all the time where I have to go back and forth with that, but it also keeps me motivated and it keeps me sort of looking to do the next thing.
Jonathan Levi: Awesome. I love that. So what are you working on now? What is the next thing?
Justin Stenstrom: Well, the next thing that I'm working on this sort of exact moment is the new show that I'm coming out with on December 5th, it's called the Justin Stenstrom Show. So we have the Elite Man Podcast, which does a lot of guest interviews and stuff.
And usually, we focus on one topic for the elite man podcast with this. I want to sort of delve into more of the background, the backstory, and sort of, uh, the full picture of, of what a lot of my guests experts do. And like you mentioned earlier, Jonathan, I appreciate you bringing that up. We have a lot of like the top people in the world coming on the show too, to give their advice guys like you even come on and just give sort of their best tips to my audience.
But this new show that Justin Stenstrom Show coming out December 5th is going to sort of give the full picture and like the rest of the story, like exactly what these people do in their everyday lives and sort of what motivates them and their strategies for daily success and, you know, focus on the whole picture.
So that's what I'm working on now, man. I appreciate you asking.
Jonathan Levi: Incredible. That sounds really, really awesome. I'm looking forward to checking it out.
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah. Thanks, man.
Jonathan Levi: So Justin, can you share with us really one major challenge besides, you know, getting this whole podcast set up just one major challenge that you're facing right now, either personal or professional and why it's particularly vexing and you know, as someone who's done so much work on confidence, self-esteem conquering fears, walk us through how you're planning on overcoming it?
Justin Stenstrom: I think the, the thing I'm working on overall is probably the next conference. I just want to share the message I have with the podcast and everything. And it's kind of vexing me in a way that it's like, I want it to happen right now, but you know, as you know, man, and especially any entrepreneur listening, You know, you can't have things right away.
Like as much as we have, you know, this online community, this great community that's been building for three years, it's like a want to have that face-to-face community where I have thousands of people sort of in attendance and thousands of people interacting in person, but it just takes that to a whole new level.
And I think it's really sort of, it just. I guess frustrating at times where I can't have it all, you know, today where I want to sort of get all these people together. These thousands of people that we have online, you know, in the elite man community, I want to get them all in to have like, you know, 1500 people or 2000 people in one room interacting in person.
Like that's just incredible. That's my goal in the next couple of years to have the sort of the conference be that big. And I think the challenge with that. It's just that I want it sooner rather than later. And I want, you know what I mean? I just want to have it now as opposed to waiting down the road and kind of jumping through hurdles and stuff.
So it's kind of a back and forth with it. I understand the process. I understand the time that it takes to do that, but I'm also sort of, you know, a patient person, but I can sort of lose my patients from time to time with that.
Jonathan Levi: Yeah, absolutely. Let me tell you that's exactly what I'm going through right now is something that we've been working on in the business for about a year.
And it's just, why is it not done now? Why is it not? So that is my exact struggle right now. And asking the questions, you know, is it because of me that it's not done now, am I not leading, managing stuff like that? So.
Justin Stenstrom: Absolutely do appreciate that.
Jonathan Levi: Yeah, it's really, it's tough, you know, cause we're entrepreneurial types who we want to create the vision and have it just run. Sometimes it doesn't work that way.
So, Justin, I want to ask you two last questions. The first one, of course, where can people learn more and get in touch with you? I know you said you have a new podcast coming out on December 5th, which should be right before this episode comes out. Where else should we send people?
Justin Stenstrom: Yeah, definitely check out the episode, Justin Stenstrom show, and subscribe guys, if you can. I really appreciate that. And if you want also check out the, uh, Elite Man Conference page, or just elitemanconference.com or the Elite Man Magazine, which is sort of the mothership of all elitemenmagazine.com, and check out either one of those. I appreciate it, Jonathan.
Jonathan Levi: Awesome. So Justin and I will give you our closing question before we wrap up. If people take away just really one message. I know we talked about a lot. We covered a ton of ground here and they take that message and they carry it with them for the rest of their lives. Which one would you hope for it to be?
What would you hope that they really remember here?
Justin Stenstrom: I hope people listening really remember that there is a solution to any problem you're having. I've gone through anxiety. I've gone through panic attacks of three to four times a week of depression to the point where I was suicidal. I'm having no friends, having no dating life, having no direction or purpose in life, and not knowing that I could make a living sort of doing what I love. All these things I've gone through and the sort of resounding thought after overcoming these things is that there was a solution in every single one of those cases.
So no matter how bad it got, no matter how tough it was from time to time, the fact that there's always a solution there's thousands of actually solutions is ways to figure out your problem. Even more than, you know, a realize don't give up. And just keep plugging through and figuring out what that solution is for you because you will find it if you keep trying.
Jonathan Levi: That is an incredible, incredible point. And just so perfectly ties into everything we talk about on this show. So Justin, I really, really want to thank you for your time and your energy, and your dedication to what you're doing.
I think it's really important, not just for men, but for everyone out there. So thank you.
Justin Stenstrom: Thanks so much, Jonathan. I really appreciate it, man. Take care.
Jonathan Levi: You too.
All right, SuperFriends, that's it for this week's episode. We hope you really, really enjoyed it and learn a ton of applicable stuff that can help you go out there and overcome the impossible.
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Closing: Thanks for tuning in to the Becoming SuperHuman Podcast for more great skills and strategies, or for links to any of the resources mentioned in this episode, visit www.becomingasuperhuman.com/podcast. We'll see you next time.